02 April 2008

^manifest destiny^

i could be a french teacher in a southern high school or a divorce laywer in reno
i could be married to one of the trust fund babies that seem to find me, two kids and a penchant for baking pies
i could be slacking off in the suburbs, or sweating it back in new orleans
i could be with the german, or the californian, or the persian or the new yorker,

(but that would be too easy.)
you can’t pick what the heart wants
[and i’ve never felt that more than right now.]
truth is
really really really really hard.

but the second i stop challenging myself is the second i give up.
and i don’t give up.
at least,
the me i want to be
doesn’t give up.
the me i want to be,
does not fuck trust fund babies
or live in one language/or love in one country
or continue straight away.

i can’t continue straight away
i. just. can’t. trust. that. damn. map.

sunday mornings and wednesday nights i want it to be easy. those are the times i want to be with you. those are the times i want to understand. just understand. understand everything.
the me i want to be understands.
the me i want to be creates.
the me i want to be: she loves the hurt, (it means its not too easy).

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