give me my green card bitches

18 October 2005
Subject: the act of eating an omelet for breakfast

Mlle BLUE:

We the undersigned hereby declare that under order of the French government you (formal) are in no way legally able to partake of omelet for breakfast until the following accommodations have been made.

The department of omelets (DoO) will need expressed written acknowledgement of your desire to have an omelet for breakfast. This will need to be signed and postmarked at least two (2) weeks before other paperwork can be filed.

The department of omelets (DoO) will need copies in triplicate of your birth certificate, your passport, and your working contract signed and notarized. One copy of your birth certificate must be translated into French by a certified translator, another needs to be translated into Creole and further another must be translated into twin speak. This will also need to be made into triplicates, signed and certified.

You will need proof of housing in the form of a copy of a lease, a copy of an electricity bill, and three (3) pictures of yourself (black and white) in your bathrobe at 2 AM drinking rum.

You (formal) must also schedule an appointment at a DoO doctor to obtain a certificat de médecin to prove that you are physically able to indulge in omelet eating. This appointment must be scheduled three (3) months in advance and must be requested in writing at least two (2) weeks in advance of the advance. The doctor will also need a translated copy of your birth certificate.

After this has been filed five (5) times in completion, you (formal) must have a signed contract with the supervisor of the department of omelets (DoO). You can schedule an appointment to see him on Tuesdays or Fridays. He has breakfast from 8AM until 11AM. His lunch begins at 11:15 and lasts until 4:30 PM. His office closes at 5 PM, except on Tuesdays and Fridays when he closes early for dinner.

Finally, you will need 17 original copies of this letter. If you so choose to eat an omelet before this paperwork is complete, you will be immediately deported and stoned with lava rocks by members of the French government. If however you are a member of the European Union, feel free to visit the department of omelets (DoO) prefecture office and enjoy a free omelet every afternoon.

Very sincerely,
the French government