the substitute

Lulu was not feeling well at all. Her cheeks were not rosy- in fact they were pale. Her lips had formed a strange twisted look that was certainly not a smile. She decided to go see Dr. McLeen immediately.

"What is it, Dr?" she asked. "Is it swine flu?"

"No, it is not" replied the doctor. "It is an advance case of malaise and angst. It may be contagious. You had better get a substitute." The doctor wrote out a note and handed it to Lulu.

"For how long?" asked Lulu. The doctor advised a day or two.

Lulu sat on her quilt at home, sipped her bloody mary (another recommendation at the clinic) and glanced at her cell phone. Perhaps the physician was right: a substitute was needed. She arranged for one the following day, and left her white plastic notebook marked substitute assignments on the coffee table.

In the morning the substitute arrived. As per the instructions in the notebook, she ate a small healthy breakfast and put on a cotton dress. After cleaning the kitchen and starting the laundry, she left for lunch with Lulu's best friend, Matilda.

Matilda looked surprised. "I'm the substitute" said the substitute. "Lulu isn't feeling well. The doctor says her misery may be catching." Matilda nodded in agreement and the two chatted about their weeks, their love lives, and their families. They argued over the check for a minute or two before settling up. "See you next week?" asked the substitute.

"Eerr, I guess?" said Matilda. She kissed her cheek and tottered off to her car.

The substitute consulted the notebook. Oh, dear. She picked up Lulu's cell phone and carefully scrolled through the address book.

Ring, ring... The substitute turned on the car and drove towards the coffee shop.

"Hello?" said the phone. "Lulu? Are you there?"

"Hello," said the substitute. "I am the substitute. Lulu is suffering from turmoil."

"Umm, is she ok?" asked the voice.

"She will be ok." said the substitute. "Listen, this is going to be hard, but I can't do this anymore."

"What do you mean?" said the voice. "I'm confused."

"I can't be with you anymore. Its just too hard." said the substitute.

"Umm, do you mean 'you' as in the substitute, or 'you' as in Lulu?" he asked.

"Me as in Lulu" said the substitute. "I am the substitute. The substitute for Lulu. I can't do this anymore. I'm sorry. You are a really nice guy but I need some space. I will return your things within the week to you..." the substitute glanced down at the notebook, "to your brother."

The substitute hung up the phone. It had gone easier than she had predicted. She did a little grocery shopping, sent out some resumes, and wrote up some detailed summaries of Lulu's favorite television programs.

At the end of the day, the substitute laid the notebook down on the coffee table and went to her home. Lulu sat up in bed and sighed- she felt rested and invigorated. Her consternation was noticeably diminished. She sipped her bloody mary and sat back with her television summaries.

Lulu breathed deeply and relaxed her face muscles. If only the substitutes weren't so expensive, she thought.

maybe

a dress

a song

a little blue blanket...

I will find my happiness

in places like these,

I just need

to try harder.

sip the coffee and breathe the fall air.

let myself tumble and

spin with the leaves.

cool air and a cool head-

up up up up.

escapism

sometimes
i miss paris so much
that my heart
literally
hurts.

(like tonight)

haikus about men i have slept with, set 2

I.
Oh, young love is sweet.
Happily ever after?
Not in freshman year.

XXI.
We had cheap champagne
And one night of twisted sheets;
Kissing therapy.

XIII.
The parties were fun.
You were never very smart,
We called you meathead.

haikus about men i have slept with, set 1

VI.

your poems: lovely,

the lies: pathological,

relationship: brief.

XIV.

Bonjour mon cheri,

then vespa rides in Paris,

Tears at a strip club.

XX.

Glowing computer

leads to naughty rendez vous—

suckers fall in love.

my favorite stories

the princess and the pea

alice in wonderland

the twelve dancing princesses

the little mermaid

connections

when i feel lonely i think
of when i was on the island
in the
indian ocean
at a picnic in the
foggy, gloomy mountains
surrounded by my friends
the germans, the brits, the spaniards, the locals...
we ate prosciutto and tortilla and cari poulet and sammoussas,

and all the spanish kids started singing the
'fresh prince of bel air'
theme in spanish


and i was reminded of how connected we all are in the world,
silly as it sounds...

lucie bobs her hair

I will bob my hair, F Scott,
and you will
have nothing
caddy
or
nasty
to
say about it.
(Ha!)

nightmares and weekend melodrama (please disregard)

Melatonin,

Apparently,

Gives you nightmares.

As if the suburbs weren’t nightmare enough

I have dreams that men I am too good for

leave me

and some how

I get the short end of the stick.

I have dreams of falling into lakes

once covered with thick ice

Into the coldcoldcold water

and then I look for

my picture books.... I seriously dived back into the cold water for my memories. (inthedream)

And yet I still talk

with a translucent ghost

The professor who never was

never will be

who doesn’t have a clue...

I hold onto that stability like a life vest,

Apparently.

Ahhhhh nightmares

Such an archaic word

and still

in them

The world is all around (nohiding)

she is putting her life

up her nose

and there is me

watching

paralyzed

And I try to expel my body

get everything away from me

I do it

in every dream

and in every reality.

it leaves me sick and tired...

Apparently.

honesty

i will love the doctor

i will break the professor's heart

(when i'm ready)

Ms. Trudaline

trudaline
likes lemon cream
and tinned sardines
and movie screens

trudaline
has a golden sheen
and a sneaky scheme
to make martin scream