lost and found

faubourg marigny, new orleans, la

sometimes i cry / thinking of sitting in your dusty bar in st germain / listening to me and bobby mcgee / drinking champagne with your friends / you would lean over the bar/ to kiss me / and i would say 'play that song again, cheri....' /

is that better
than brunch in
the marigny with
the best girls i know?

i think not, cheri....

aller retour

i stamped my passport
on the border of
my own little world

must go back
to civilization
-- out of chai
and my hair hasn't been washed
in four days

will she survive the reverse culture shock?

indian summer

i will
toss and turn
all night
in these
cotton sheets
amillionmilesaminutemythoughts

every summer
is an

indian summer

in new orleans.


take it in,
and let it out.

it doesn't have to be hard

the tightrope is only two feet from the ground

just step to the side,
its ok.

unpacking means old journal entries

April 8, 2003

And so one day I woke up and I was twenty years old, about to move out of the dorms and into my first apartment amidst boxes of schoolbooks and scrapbooks and journals now nearly a decade old or more. And one day I woke up in the arms of a boy and it was true blue love and thought "How did I get here? When did I get here?" because the waiting is supposed to be over and it seems as though it has just begun.
One day I woke up and I had credit card debt and birth control and essays about french existentialists. And my mom needed me.
One day I woke up and was drinking wine and coffee because I liked it and not because I was trying to look older. I was reading CNN and waiting to hear if my old friend was still alive in Kuwait. I was planning trips to London.
And one day I woke up and I was twenty and I asked myself "Is this where you wanted to be? Is this you? and I disregarded the increasing pounds and the diminishing funds and said
"I am where I always wanted to be."
And all of a sudden twenty seemed so young.





ed note:
twenty is so young. to be a baby again...

un-vacuation// hurrication

(acworth, ga)

gustav
gust of inter
ruption
of paris rehabilitation

underneath the florescent lights we all glow
the humidity is awe-inspiring
focus is at an all time low

i would blow into gulf waters too


afternoon bike ride in audobon park and i swear the spanish moss almost reached out and grabbed me

re: 9:39

i want to say how much i hate you
how much you have torn me
apart

and i am trying to find my way back together
how you have
shattered
me
and broken
me
and made me a different, more skeptical person

made me tired
sad

tired


i want to say how
you are a bad,
bad, person
how you took advantage of me
how you used me
and hurt me

hurt me
and hurt me
and hurt me

but i can't


so i just say
"je veux t'oublier. laisse-moi tranquille." to your

empty

empty

empty words.

evacuation

what else is new?

9:39 AM (3 hours ago)

c est dommage ce ki est arrive je suis desole j aurai voulu que ce soit autremement j espere que tu vas bien

bts

lunch box and notebooks

today is everyday
forever

its not you, its me

Dear Paris,

By the time you read this I will be gone so there is no point in trying to stop me.

I remember when I first saw you, 8 years ago. You were so beautiful. I felt like we were immediately compatible.

It hasn’t always been easy. Off and on -- remember that gorgeous autumn we spent together in 2002? Or the spring trees in 2004? 2006 I’ll never forget. And summer of 2007 sealed the deal. I knew we could make it. Everything about you made me happy. When you weren’t around I thought of you constantly.

But lets face it- this year things have changed. Its been tough. I feel like I’m different, you are different... How can I put this? I need a break. I don’t think we should see each other for a while.

I realize this means I will probably have to hear stories of other girls being with you, how much fun they are having, how wonderful you are. I’m not going to pretend that it won’t be hard.

Its not you, its me. I need something different out of life now. I hope we can stay close, and, if it isn’t too improper to say, I feel we’ll be together again soon. But for now I ask that you respect my space.

Prenez soin de vous.

-Lucie

what does sabrina say?

'on va se mimoser......'
bring on the champagne

perspectives

I.
you have your australian girl but at least i have my dignity.

II.
miss maggie hall tore all he petals off of all the rosebuds.
"better to destroy it now than to let it slowly disappoint you."

III.
we were just manifestations of each other's self loathing.

kinder

berlin tea
in germany
you and me



we
will
see.

a wall is a wall is a wall

berlin is hot and shocking

two years ago
i was here

trying desperately to stop my own passivity and fall totally in love

this time
...(lets just say)
the irony is not lost on me

your sad fate

you
had
two
girlfriends
and
now
you
have
none.

la fin de la fin de la fin

maybe my heart is bigger than your heart?
and my eyes half closed.
your lies would be less bitter if you thought you were wrong

but you aren' t the only one spinning stories
i lied too-- when i told you i love you

i thought i loved you
i thought i loved you because it was hard



you can spend 10 hours making a cake

but no one will eat it

if there's no sugar inside.

the offer

a little list on yellow legal pad
one side: [france]
one side: [US]
a silly little list

both sides, started organized and with straight penmanship, suddenly falling apart- turning to scribbled words, double underlining, circles and stars

pain au chocolat*notre dame*parc des poetes*the firm*les marches aux puces*steak tartar*

my brother*convenience*a garden*thanksgiving*the comfort*service*heat

...
the autumn wind*bordeaux with the girls*cobblestone*verlan text messages*centre pompidou*

a big kitchen*craft stores*netflix nights with gin and tonic*brunches*florida beaches from my youth...



when i start listing names it gets really messy.


there is no man on either side
and my heart seems to be

just in the middle
<3

jealous

he said
i thought of you last night
\
my eyes light up
yeah?
/
i watched a film with a /very/ jealous boyfriend
he called and she didn't answer
he went all the way to her house screaming!!
\\\///

i said




from you?




not funny.

coincé

we stopped to kiss in front of the catholic church on rue poincarré after a dinner of tartar at my favorite little place. "jolie église" he said. his eyes grazed my body,

"you're wearing a white dress" he said, and lightly tugged my wrist toward the church doors.

the last time we slept together we didn't even make love. we were both so tired. so tired.

its always a problem connecting people and places. to the extent that leaving one makes leaving the other seem like the only option.